I can never do enough. I can never be a good enough employee. I can never work hard enough I can never be organised enough I can never teach well enough Never quite convey my points well enough I'm never creative enough Never convincing enough Authentic enough Inspiring enough I can never do enough. I … Continue reading We can never do enough.
My dear, wonderful girl You had a feeling you were different. And now you know for sure. Your brain works a little differently from those of many people around you. And at times, you don't know what to make of that. Does it change anything, or does it change nothing? You've been given this label. … Continue reading To an autistic girl
It's my belief that I was depressed pretty much continuously from late primary school right up until some point in my mid-to-late 20s. Anecdotal evidence (...Twitter...) suggests that this is pretty typical among late-diagnosed autistics. Don't get me wrong. Aside from occasional episodes of self-injurious stimming, I rarely self-harmed. I usually managed to get out … Continue reading Why?
This post resonates with me SO. MUCH.
I’ve often labelled myself as “stupid” because there have been times when there was a mismatch between my academic and intellectual ability, and my ability to “apply myself”.
Situations which puzzled me – why couldn’t I “just bloody well get on with it”?
And other situations where I was required to document “progress” towards something, which seemed pointless to me, as I’d got to the end point without having to practise or plan beforehand (I put together my entire GCSE Art portfolio, making “connections” between all the individual pieces, AFTER I’d actually produced all the artwork – listen, the art just came to me, alright?).
And situations when I come across as horribly bad-tempered and rude because I find interruptions and task-switching so damned difficult.
This post explains things so well.
“You’re so smart; why can’t you do this or that?”
“You could have gotten an A, if only you’d done your daily work/homework.”
“I know you’re capable.”
“You can do better.”
“You’re better than that.”
Uh, thanks? But when people said these things, I still felt greasy and heavy inside.
Because those statements aren’t actually compliments at all. The source-person of the comments might intend them to be, but they’re not.
That’s why I felt a little “off” about saying Thank You. In fact, I just stared, making agonizingly uncomfortable eye contact, trying not to look “guilty” but failing, because I know that somewhere, somehow, despite my most concentrated efforts, I had screwed up. So as the seconds slowed to a syrupy crawl, I would pull all of my internal willpower together to maintain my composure, the best I could muster being that uncontrollable sheepish guilty look, the only expression…
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I've recenty embarked on a professional development programme at work, which my (UK) University runs as part of the US-based National SEED (Seeking Educational Equity and Diversity) Project on the Inclusive Curriculum, first developed 30 years ago. I'm excited and also somewhat apprehensive about participating in this programme, and what it will entail. Certainly it'll involve a lot … Continue reading Seeing ourselves
I have a bruise on the ring finger of my right hand. And it's all my fault. Or is it? The morning rush after a terrible night's sleep. My daughter has a cold. She was up for much of the night coughing. And I was up with her – feeding her medicine, wiping her nose, … Continue reading Fallout
I've never been the kind of person to go on for the endofyearroundupsocialmediastatusupdate thing. But this year has been different, and besides, I'm blogging now. Just over five months ago, I received my formal autism diagnosis. But it feels as if this whole year has been about autism – my own, and that of my … Continue reading Things I have learnt in 2016
A quick update: I've had a go at reorganising, categorising and systematising the additional resources on this site, with the hope that I'm therefore able to reach, inform, and help more people out there who might need this. I like to respond to individual messages (and these days I get quite a few, which I'm … Continue reading Information and resources page revamp
This is completely me, too.
I can’t follow verbal instructions – unless you give me each item one step at a time.
Spoken words are often misheard due to sensory issues so it is easy for me to misunderstand verbal directions.
If you start to give me a list of things to do and I can’t find a notepad I may start to panic.
If we are out in public and you tell me I need to remember to do something later – it probably won’t happen.
My working memory is not great and I have to make checklists and keep a calendar to stay organized.
If I am trying to hold information in my brain (by saying the thing over and over again in my head) and someone interrupts me mid task the information is lost forever – even if it’s something simple like a first and last name.
Typed or written instructions are…
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I'm always fascinated by how different my speaking voice sounds on recordings, compared to the way I hear it in my own head. I used to cringe in horror at how unlike me it sounded, but I've seen or heard enough footage of me speaking over the years to have eventually become resigned to the … Continue reading Head Music